Spoke in the Wheel
by DoctorCripple
Summary: What inspiration had he left to give when his own inspiration would never fully be in his grasp now, what use was a muse that offered you nothing?    People and things are often taken for granted, even when we don't realise it.


**General Disclaimer: Still Don't own Naruto (But I'm working on it!)**

This story was born out of my love for all musical things made by or even related to Zakk Wylde. This song, Spoke in the Wheel, hit me quite hard the first time I heard it. The emotion and feeling it has give me chills and the lyrics are powerful, I have tried to capture all that raw emotion in my story but I will let you be the judge of that.

This story is very centred around Naruto since I feel that it was the only way to do the song justice, I'm still unsure of it's ending but the story to me feels like it has closure. I'm currently debating wether or not to out up a follow up of Sakura's side of the story but as it is it will remain a one shot until I decide what to further do with it.

But please, don't let that put you off, have a squizz and tell me what you think.

_**

* * *

Lord, I question whether I've had my fill**_

_**Lord, I question whether I can take much more**_

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* * *

**_

It wasn't the way he pictured it, but then again was it ever? No, not really. He just guessed that after so many years spent on training, fighting, killing and barely surviving that it would have been different. Hoped that maybe, just maybe this time things could have gone his way. It wasn't as if he was expecting much, he never did and maybe that was the problem. He never expected more than he gave and it seemed that thing they called karma was broken, maybe it was the fate Neji had always kept rambling on about.

Was this all life had in store for him? Nothing to offer in return for the things it had put him through, would things ever be any different? Not this time it seemed. He had changed a lot since the beginning, maybe not so much in his goals but he knew it was true. He had changed where she had stayed the same, he knew she had grown stronger but strength isn't always the thing he looked at; no he tended to look much deeper than most gave him credit for.

She became more beautiful then he could have ever imagined, glittering emerald eyes burning into his soul and the striking grace of her movements after three years gone proved that. Not that he ever doubted that it was the way she would turn out, he knew from the start. Maybe that's why the rift between them was now tearing apart everything he fought for, he had changed from the young and naive boy he had once been. His eyes where open now to the realities of the world, but he would always be stubborn, and maybe that was the worst part. And even then there were more questions that he had to ask himself, how long could he go on the way he did when everything was against him? Would he ever live to see the life he had once dreamed of? But the one that struck him most was did any of it matter at all?

He didn't know, and now he questioned if he even wanted to.

* * *

_**Well, you may laugh  
As I lay here bleeding baby **_

_**Mhmmmmm yeah  
No more afters or before**_

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* * *

**_

It was always for her, the promise that is. Maybe some small part of the motivation was his own bonds for a brother lost but it had always been mainly for her, even if he dug down deep enough and hid the fact in the depths of his heart it would still ring true if the question was ever brought up. He was by no means himself innocent, not by his standards anyway. He had lied, kept his peace, avoided questions and answers alike, hid and covered up. But was he not a shinobi? A ninja of Konoha no less. It had been part of what the job entailed.

Maybe he was just as much to blame, but he couldn't deny the blood he had shed on that accursed promise. He was not spiteful of the fact, rather more resigned than any other emotion that could have taken him. The bloodshed had not been in vain and the training not wasted. The teme was back, sporting a few promising bruises and more than a healthy amount of broken bones. It hadn't been the epic battle many believed it to be, it had been bloody and taxing, he never wanted to have to hurt a friend like that to begin with but Naruto was a hardened shinobi by then. They were not yet a year shy of twenty and yet the battle felt like it had aged him more than he should ever have had the right to feel.

That though was a trivial matter, the relief the climax of the carnage brought was unparalleled. He had completed the one goal in his life that overshadowed even his self proclaimed ascension to Hokage. He had kept the promise to the person most precious to him and the promise was a lifetime long no more. He had returned just as beaten and broken as his pale skinned, dark haired friend but it seemed his own burden had an odd way of making itself useful when it needed to be, setting the bones back and numbing the crippling pain to a durable level. He had dragged both their bodies in their corpse like state back nearly twenty back breaking miles back to the village, even now he could not remember how much time passed on that journey, and if you asked him he would say his guess would be too much. If he had been a more cynical person he would have said not enough.

He distinctly remembered those too white walls of the hospital and too friendly face of the nurses, it wasn't the sight he was hoping to wake up to but as the old saying goes, beggars' could not be choosers. Four days they told him, four days since he had dragged their sorry asses back home. He had asked after Sasuke, wondering if the teme survived the trip back, and he had. It seems he had just made it through the emergency operation in one piece, apparently some of those bones had been at funnier angles then he had first thought. Then again, at the time he had broken bones and bruises of his own to worry about. His worries hadn't been in vain either, seems some of those broken bones of his had set wrong. And by the feel of things Baa-chan broke them again to set them straight. He wasn't going anywhere, at least not yet. The day had gone fast after the news of his waking spread, Hinata, Kiba, Shikamaru, Chouji and Lee had been the first to visit him. Not necessarily all at once but it brought a warmth to his heart to know they had taken time out of there usually slim amount of spare time to visit him, bearing a few edibles and words of relief on his return. It seemed even Hinata had overcame her shyness enough to offer him the first proper meal in days. Proper being relative of course, ramen was far from an acceptable staple food. She had lit up like a light with cheeks a flame when he unexpectedly gave her a hug of gratitude, stuttering out an excuse before disappearing out the door to who knows where. They all came and went offering their own little unique quality to the visit, it made him smile but the one he had wanted to see most seemed to be the only one absent. Hinata had disappeared too quickly for him even to ask her but Ino had come later in the day with a nice bunch of bright looking yellow flowers and some answers.

It seemed that where he could find his one team mate Naruto would find the other, Sakura had not left Sasuke's side since they arrived half alive at the west gate. Naruto hadn't had the chance to see her reaction to him finally fulfilling his promise but he heard that it had involved a lot of tears. 'She was been laughing with joy' was how Ino had put it, she had helped in his surgery and had appointed herself to personally oversee his recovery until he came to. Hearing that made his heart clench, he could not stop it even if he had tried. He had thanked Ino with a smile that might not have fully reached his eyes but he couldn't find the will power to make the smile any more realistic than it could be, if she noticed she had the decency not to mention it. Maybe he was being selfish, he had hoped that maybe she could have visited him once in the two days that had passed since his waking. Maybe he shouldn't be so hasty to judge, not that he was judging her, just the time it was taking for her to visit. Maybe a lot of things could happen, but he knew better, he had grown up more than he wished to in these past few years. So called "Best" friend or not he knew where he stood on this matter. Maybe he did know, but it didn't mean he had to like it and besides "maybes" were pretty useless sympathisers; they didn't help the pain bleeding from his chest, not in the slightest.

* * *

_**Some day you'll know just how it feels  
You left me there twice before**_

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**_

He shouldn't have been surprised, not after the first time it happened and especially after the second time. Maybe somewhere in the back of his mind he acknowledged the fact that he would always come second to the teme, friend or not it drove him insane knowing that the man had the one thing he wished for above anything else. The first time she left him on that roof top after the fight between him and the teme it had hurt knowing she was more worried about the teme then she ever had been about him, but he had been young then and it didn't matter, somehow he convinced himself that if he tried harder, for her, that she would notice him. How he didn't know back then, but Kami knows he tried, he tried just about everything.

It made his heart ache for her even more knowing full well that she would run into the same disappointment with the teme that he did trying to impress her, protect her and to just be there for her. He despised the fact that she would feel the way he did, especially when it didn't need to happen. He could be everything she needed and more, but what she wanted didn't seem to have changed in the slightest. It wasn't him that she 'wanted', he wasn't even second choice. The bastard was always first and foremost, experience had taught him that.

The second time had been those first few waking moments in the hospital bed in which he laid bandaged head to toe after the initial retrieval mission. He had failed her than and it might have been then where he had really lost his chance, the look of disappointment in her eyes had hurt him. The lack of faith in him had hurt; the lack of trust in him hurt but he said not a word. He had made his promise to her, his most precious person, and he was going to keep it no matter what. The hope was still within him back then, not as strong as before but it sure as hell was a lot stronger than the dregs of hope draining from him now. Maybe he should have been surprised but he couldn't say he was, this was how it turned out the last time. Who was he to wish for the unexpected? Maybe this time he would just have to accept it.

* * *

_**Some day you'll know just how it feels  
Shattered, cast aside  
Stripped of your pride  
Like you were never nothing special  
Made to feel  
Like another spoke in the wheel**_

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**_

Five days gone and he still hadn't seen a sliver of pink or soul searing green, he knew where she was and that made it even harder to stomach. He wasn't allowed to leave his room in the hospitals top floor ward, because apparently he wasn't ready to perform any physical activity for a while. Not like that would stop him from leaving if he really wished to, it would be simple has a couple of hand signs and a brief moment of concentration and he would be nothing but a memory to that room. No it wasn't the doctors warning that kept him immobile, which was a trivial matter at best. He had been stewing in silence for the better part of two days and the thoughts and feelings where left to rage through him uninterrupted.

It seems everyone he knew had been either two busy or unworried to visit him, not that he believed that the second option held any credit. He knew they were more caring towards their comrades than most. He knew it was probably Baa-chan's doing, with the Akatsuki stepping up their efforts to capture the rest of the bijuu and all the elemental nations gearing up for war. What could he do that he had not already done, maybe there was something he was missing beside the hole in his heart. He could only take it for face value though, it's all that he could ever do; because making more of something that probably meant nothing near what he thought it to be or hoped for to be didn't help anyone and it wouldn't help now.

He shifted under the white sheets gathered around him, turning his sight from the ceiling to the window. Maybe getting away from the hospital would clear his mind, staying in the white washed rooms never felt welcoming to him, it didn't the first time he landed there and it was certainly no different now. He needed to stop thinking about it, about her, and as much as his head spun and his heart ached he couldn't blame her. He knew how she felt; he knew so well that he was sitting there heart twisting in his chest and that itself was testament enough. He couldn't take away from her that he himself wished for with all his heart, who was he to deny her the love that she wanted when he knew that it meant she would have to endure an all too familiar pain. He couldn't do it, would not.

Reaching for the kunai pouch and stack of washed cloths that stuck out from under the raised bed, not even bothering to change out of the stiff hospital garb he turned to the light streaming through the window and paused at the beauty of the view. He felt that at least that when some things stayed the same it was for the better, nature always did appeal to him. With as little as a glance at the bed he once occupied he strode towards the window opening it and climbing onto the window sill blocking the sun's rays from the room. The breeze ruffled his untamed locks and a defeated half smile tugged at his lips, then he was gone, leaving nothing but crumpled bed sheets as evidence of him ever being there.

* * *

_**So you say I'm just another dollar  
So you say I'm just another day**_

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_"Come on Naruto, how many times have you asked that before?" Sakura sighed in exasperation at her blonde teammate. It hadn't been more than five minutes since training for Team 7 had ended and he had already asked her on a date. It had been always been like that from day one it seemed; when he wasn't annoying anyone else he was pestering her for a date and he never seemed to give up either. Without missing a beat Naruto turned to her with a pleading look in his wide eyes and she sighed again._

"_Come on Sakura-chan, only one date!" His voice just as pleading as his sky blue eyes and Sakura shook her head in defeat. It had been a long day and she was really quite hungry, and as much as his persistence really vexed her at times she could not pass up the offer of a free meal._

_Turning to him she fixed him with her emerald gaze, "Alright I accept, on one condition." Naruto grinned like an idiot, glad that she had at least agreed to go grab something to eat with him, he didn't really care what the conditions where. "Anything Sakura-chan!" She grinned; he had always been easy to satisfy no matter the situation._

"_I'll accept under the conditions that you pay and we do not, and I repeat 'Do Not', go to Ichiraku's." She had to hold back a grin when his face fell._

"_No fair Sakura-chan! That's two conditions!" She turned away from him and just carried on walking. "Deal with it Baka."_

The memory had come to him unbidden, not necessarily bad but not the fondest memory he held of his most precious person. It had been a about year ago when it happened and he had been feeling particularly lucky and had gathered the courage to ask her out again. Rejection stung no matter how many times he had felt it before. He hadn't asked her out in a while and it had taken him the majority of that time to build up the will to ask again. He had been lucky that day, he knew if she hadn't been so hungry he would have walked away with far less than any empty Gama-chan and a ramen craving. That's just how it was, it was also the reason he asked her mostly after training and just before lunch. He knew that there was probably no other way she would accept but he wasn't one to count his blessings and was glad to have the time to spend with her, even if it was only because she wanted a free meal from him.

He never had been particularly objective to any company or time she offered to spend with him, it gave him the chance to hope and feel what it might be like if she said yes without an external reason for it. That chance was gone now with the teme back; it would go back to how it used to be. It made those conditional "dates" seem like precious gifts to him. Not that he had ever received many gifts anyway.

He hadn't travelled very far since leaving the hospital; there were only a few places he would have gone anyway. Home had been out the question, it would probably the first place people would go looking when they found out he was missing. He had made his way down to the old training ground Yamato-taicho had crafted for his shadow clone training, the place had a tranquil beauty that soothed him and he really needed the peace of mind right now. He had not seen Sakura since that day teme and he crashed at the front gate, even if he knew that her reason was valid the past experience told him all he needed to know. Life never was so kind to him, right now he hoped if he could find a place to clear his mind of everything so that he wouldn't have to endure the painful bite in his chest, even if only for a little while.

* * *

_**Well, once my blood was strong  
But now it's jaded and it's thin  
Unlike you  
I can still tell right from wrong**_

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**_He sat behind the rushing screen of water with cerulean eyes staring into the depths of space that he couldn't quite see on the other side of the water fall, the outside world. The wind element training didn't only cut the water fall in half but had also cut a large cave like dent out of the cliff face behind the water fall in the process.

His thoughts had drifted back to his youth, to the times of his own naivety and bullheadedness. By no means had he become cynical but he knew he wasn't the same kid hoping to become a shinobi all those years ago. He had learnt things, most of them the hard way or through baptism by fire. Once the flames of determination and wings of hope had permeated his body but it seemed a part of that had died away in him. The will and determination to become Hokage and the hope of recognition still seared his blood but it lacked the same rush it had once given him.

In the face of losing his heart it hadn't stood much of a chance, it had dulled the flames and clipped the wings. What was once mighty had now fallen; now he could do no more than had already been done. The rumbling of the water seemed to echo his tumulus thoughts, crashing at the end of its line. They tossed and turned in his mind reminding him, not letting him forget where he stood with Sakura, where his heart would forever be.

One visit could not have been too much to ask for, had he not been the good friend he had tried so hard to be for her? Had he done anything to make her ignore him even to the point where she wouldn't even send someone in her place to check if he had recovered? Maybe he was wrong. He hoped he was, because he really wanted to be for once, no matter what he knew was right and what was wrong. If so then he hoped that she would at least still find the time to speak to him soon because, as much as he hated the fact that she had chosen the teme over him, he still sorely missed her presence. She drove him on, she was what gave him strength, she was his inspiration, she is what he ultimately fought for and without her near him he would be little more than another shinobi.

He was not selfish, but sometimes he really wanted to be. It looked like she had decided though, time was up and so was his time to carry on chasing her. He would be the friend she wanted him to be, he would take what he was given and no more. It wasn't right of him to ask her anything, he had never wanted more from her than she was willing to give. That way it was enough, and with the crashing water drowning out the world around him he began to drift off to sleep because his dreams where the only place where that didn't 'Have' to be enough.

* * *

_**Some day you'll know just how it feels  
You left me there twice before  
Some day you'll know just how it feels  
Shattered, cast aside  
Stripped of your pride  
Like you were never nothing special  
Made to feel  
Like another spoke in the wheel**_

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**_

How long Naruto stayed in that cave he didn't know, the thick curtain of falling water gave the illusion of a permanent twilight which coupled with the ambience of the crashing water surrounded him with a feeling of time standing still. After a while his mind cleared and he just laid there, crystal necklace highlighting a black training shirt as his blond hair spilled over his closed eyes. The world had disappeared, his problems seemed to not be able to touch him in this place and it brought him peace.

He opened his eyes to stare at the cave ceiling, roaming over all the fine and usually unnoticeable cracks that littered it, cracks that only appeared on closer inspection. A sharp choked laugh escaped him at the irony of it all, a broken man trying to hide his scars in a cave trying to cover up its own cracks. It was an apt comparison and he could not deny that like him the beautiful and colourful exterior of the falling liquid life hid this cracked and rough cave.

Slowly he rose to his feet, arms reaching up to brush away the dirt that covered the cracks, exposing them to the odd twilight night that flooded the cavern. They were small things but as he looked around and saw that they were indeed numerous, covering every part of it. A small half grin tugged at his lips, he really had spent too much time here already. He turned to look at the thick sheet of cascading life and hesitated, the sound of the rushing water still roiling around him, where did he go from here?

The grin fell and a sigh escaped, where indeed.

Turning back to the crack he had cleared open he gave it a lengthy stare before reaching out and delicately covering it up again with the dirt surrounding it. The cave may have been as scarred as he but it did not deny him the comfort he sort and that gave him the resolve to leave. Maybe he would not be the one that always had the things in life that he wanted and probably would never be, but he would not hide away from those who needed him to be their comfort or their shelter from bad days. Maybe he was not a whole man but he never had been, one more scar would not change that. Sakura would always be the one he wanted but he would not pretend that she wanted him, he would be what ever she wanted him to be, what ever his friends wanted him to be, what they knew him to be.

He would be the idiot, the friend and the self-proclaimed Hokage but never would he try to ask them for more than they offered him. He knew from the start he had only been the hope of his group of friends, if he could achieve the things he did then why couldn't they? The proverbial third wheel to their lives, not quite fully a part of it but always the one looked to for inspiration. What inspiration had he left to give when his own inspiration would never fully be in his grasp now, what use was a muse that offered you nothing?

Time was up, the world did not really wait for anybody and he knew it well, he needed to get home and prepare for the lectures he was sure to get at sunrise for disappearing from the hospital so suddenly. Not that they would be of any use. Maybe Sakura would be worried about him having disappeared, but the feelings left inside him said otherwise.

Maybe it was not the lectures he needed to prepare for, maybe he needed to prepare to do the last thing he had ever wanted to do. Finally give up.

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Whether this is continued or not remains uncertain.

If you will, please leave me a comment on your thoughts in the form of a review.

Much obliged.


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